


what if this world was the end of the road

by calthighway



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Angst, Assassination Attempt(s), Falling In Love, Happy/Open ending, Killing, M/M, conflicted feelings, talk of attempted murder/murder
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-16
Updated: 2020-07-16
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:21:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,210
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25307422
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/calthighway/pseuds/calthighway
Summary: Ben holds the file in his hands. The name in bold black letters on the front, his next kill, his next victim – Callum Highway.
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Comments: 12
Kudos: 82
Collections: Ballum Big Bang 2020





	what if this world was the end of the road

**Author's Note:**

> thank you massively to @laurenkmyers and @ballumory, without the both of you i wouldn’t have done any of this!

Ben holds the file in his hands. The name in bold black letters on the front, his next kill, his next victim – **Callum Highway**.

He opens the file and a photo falls out onto his lap. Ben’s throat goes dry instantly because he’s _beautiful_. He’s got rosy cheeks, the bluest eyes and ears that could turn even the coldest of hearts into something warmer.

He looks _innocent_. He looks like a guy who lives his life day by day.

He certainly doesn’t look like someone who deserves a hit on them.

Ben never asks questions, though. That wasn’t what he was paid to do and he isn’t sure he’d get the answers he wanted even if he did ask.

Ben ignores the instant attraction and focuses on the job in hand. They wanted Callum gone by the end of the month and Ben was the man to do it.

*  
Ben watches him for days, with Callum’s file always close by given to him only a few days only. He now knows his shift pattern, knows when he’s due a break.

Knows he’s pretty much adored by everyone he works with – that they smile and laugh around with him.

Callum’s world seems light, full of all the good things in life.

Ben can’t help but keep wondering what he’s done so bad that it deserves death. _To be killed in one of the coldest and cruelest ways_.

Ben’s used to reading people - working out the good from the bad- and all Ben can see when he watches Callum is goodness, and a warming smile.

Ben refuses to let doubt creep in, to betray the people he works for.

Callum’s just a name. A stranger.

Ben decides tomorrow will be the end for Callum.

*  
Just like clockwork, Callum finishes work at 6pm and this time Ben’s close by.

He keeps his head down as he walks up close, the pistol ready for use under his leather jacket. He’s not used to his heart _aching_ like it is now, but with every step closer, his hand around the weapon feels looser and shakier.

Then he’s reached Callum and he’s walked by without doing anything. He’s failed. He curses under his breath because he doesn’t know what’s so difficult about this, he doesn’t _understand_ himself.

“Hey, mate,” _is that Callum?_ Ben turns around and Callum’s holding something in his hand. “Ya dropped this,” it’s his wallet and Callum’s smiling too friendly for him to even look him in the eye.

“Thanks,” Ben all but snatches the wallet back from him and puts it into his back pocket. “Good job you were around, eh?”

Callum’s laugh is light and his eyes crinkle, his head drops low as if he’s shy, and Ben wishes he wouldn’t. Every second here is making his job harder – impossible.

“I’m sure you’d do the same,” Callum’s still smiling.

Ben pulls a face, his chin poking out and his mouth turning downwards. “Depends who ya asked. I’d definitely have checked to see if there was any Benjamin’s in there first.”

Callum looks stumped, his face falling slightly and this time Ben cracks a smile. “Ya know, money?”

“Oh,” Callum’s licks his lips. “Yeah, I knew that.” Callum awkwardly points towards his car, “I’d best be off then. Nice to meet ya.”

 _No it isn’t,_ Ben thinks. He’s failed once, he won’t -and can’t- do that again.

Ben makes his intentions clear when he eyes Callum up and down, his eyes lingering longer on the skinny jeans that hug his thighs perfectly. When he looks back up, Callum’s staring at him uncertain, almost as if his skin is burning from just the feel of Ben’s eyes on him.

“Let’s go for a drink,” Ben’s saying firmly, stepping closer. “Let me say thank you properly.”

The redness that creeps up Callum’s neck is a sight that makes Ben lick his lips and smile playfully. “I can’t,” Callum blinks quickly and Ben knows he’s making him feel uncomfortable now, and Ben thinks _good,_ good because he’s gained control again; this is going where he needs it to go.

“Tomorrow then,” Ben lifts his chin, “I ain’t taking no for an answer. I’ll be seeing ya, lover boy.”

Callum snorts, “I ain’t even said yes yet!”

“Yet?” Ben’s eyebrows quirk up, and Callum’s shaking his head in disbelief. “So, it was going to be a yes then?”

“Never said that,” but Callum’s smile is beaming again and Ben’s bravado drops a little, feels something tug in his chest. “I don’t even know ya, you could be a murderer for all I know.”

And Ben wishes he hadn’t said that, because he feels the pistol in his jacket more than ever. Everything he’s done before flashes in front of his eyes. He sees himself standing over lifeless bodies, pleading eyes looking up at him to save them before they take their last breath- and Ben’s never felt a thing. He’s been made not to, but the silence now is heavy. All this feels suffocating and Ben’s minutes away from just closing his eyes and grabbing for the gun and pulling the trigger.

Then he hears Callum laugh a little. “I’m joking, mate.”

Ben breathes through his nostrils, feels them flaring like they always do when his blood is coursing too strongly through his body and he can’t cope. His neck twitches and he tilts his head to the side to hide it, fakes a smile and points at Callum, “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

This time Callum doesn’t refuse, he simply nods slightly with a blush on his cheeks before watching Ben walk away. Little does he know he’s got less than a day to live.

*  
“I don’t even know his name,” Callum stirs the sugar in Lola’s tea, “and I’ve agreed to go for a drink with him. Am I that desperate?”

Lola laughs, takes the mug and warms her hands with it. “I’d say ya were letting your hair down and good on ya!” She smiles at Callum as he sits down next to her – placing the biscuit tin down in front of them. “Was he fit?”

Callum tries not to say _yes_ too quickly, but just the thought of his smile, or the way he looked at him has Callum’s skin burning up. He pulls away when Lola reads him too well, her hands reaching out to tickle his arm and squeal stupidly. “Lola, get off!”

Callum joins in on Lola’s laughter, it’s too hard not to, her smile has always been infectious and that’s one of the reasons he loves her dearly and they’re best friends. She hooks her arm with Callum’s and dips a cookie into her tea before turning to smile sweetly at Callum again. “Ya should go for it. It’s about time I had some gossip about your love life.”

“What, married life with Jay boring you, is it?”

She whacks his leg, “watch it!”

They finish the rest of their lunch break talking about Lola’s maternity leave and baby names.

Callum’s not sure if it’s the thought of a date with a nameless guy, or seeing Lola so enthusiastic, but Callum’s left feeling lucky.

*  
 _It’s a dirty bar, with murky lighting and nothing but rowdy men sat around shouting at the tv showing the football game._

_Ben clocks who he needs straight away, a smirk growing quickly and easily – his eyes soft as he approaches._

_Within minutes he’s buying him a drink, and having words whispered into his ear that do nothing for him._

_He smiles along, using all he knows to his advantage, as he turns his head and whispers something just as dirty into the other man’s ear. Just enough time to put poison into his drink and let it dissolve._

_They leave together, driving somewhere out of nowhere. It’s not long until a pulse can no longer be found and Ben’s dumping his body._

_It’s quick. It’s heartless. It’s easy._

_*  
_ Callum leaves work with some cute blonde girl next to him, and Ben finds it strangely comforting when they share a hug as they go their separate ways. Maybe Ben feels it because it’s going to be the last time she sees Callum. He’s determined he has to do his job tonight; he needs to treat it like every other.

Callum clocks him first, his face turning to the floor with a shy smile as he crosses the road to meet Ben. “Alright?” Callum greets, his hands slotting into the pockets of his grey coat. “You been waiting long?”

Ben nips the skin on his lip, “just got here.” Smiles sweetly when Callum finally lifts his head back up, his cheeks still blushed, “we going for this drink then, or ya gonna leave me standing out in the cold?”

Callum huffs out a timid laugh, “I don’t even know your name, I’m-“

“It’s Ben,” he steps closer, lifting up his head to watch Callum closely, “anything else?”

“I’m Callum,” Callum replies breathy, his skin prickling under Ben’s intense gaze.

_I know who you are._

Ben just nods, scratches the stubble on his cheek before pointing behind them towards the bars, “now we’ve got the pleasantries out of the way, shall we?” 

Callum moves away first, begins the walk ahead of Ben and Ben stands still for a moment, eyes him up, and again can’t help wondering what he’s done that’s so bad.

So bad that his life isn’t worth living anymore. Ben can’t seem to think of one simple reason why.

Callum’s turning then, soft eyes turning concerned, “Ben, are ya coming?”

And it snaps Ben out of his thoughts, swallows the thickness in his throat and he smiles tightly, “Course. Just admiring the view.”

Callum’s laugh silences all the other sounds around them – everything boils down to Callum and all that he seems to be, and all Ben can see is light and goodness.

He frowns, hates the confusion and the war between his head and heart. Even more so when his phone vibrates in his pocket:

_G: Make sure Highway is dealt with by the end of the day._

Ben’s got no other option but to ignore his heart and all that it’s questioning.

*  
Ben asks Callum what he wants to drink and tells him to go and find them a seat. Ben tracks him as he moves to the corner of the bar, and up some stairs. A small booth. It’s cosy – almost private in a room full of people.

Ben bites his tongue, orders drinks as quickly as he can and takes the poison into his hand from his coat pocket. He stares blankly down at the drinks when they’re placed down onto the bar, before realising he needs to pay, making the barman roll his eyes. Ben realises he must look anywhere than where he actually is, a world of his own.

Ben feels everything burn inside of him, _on_ him. His phone beeps again, knows who it is without checking, and instead of looking at the message, decides to do what he’s come here to do.

He pours the poison into the brown liquor, watches it travel to the bottom of the glass before making his way to Callum.

Callum’s taken his coat off, undone his tie a little and he’s resting back into the booth like he’s lacking any sleep, but he still manages to smile broadly up at Ben – like the sight of him has woken him up a bit.

“Bored of me already, are ya?” Ben teases, taking a seat next to Callum and taking his own coat off.

“Course not,” Callum pushes the idea away quickly, “just been a long day, that’s all.”

“I’ve got all night if ya want to talk about it,” Ben offers, taking a sip of his beer.

Callum smiles, looks as though he wants to, but can’t. “It’s confidential stuff, sorry.”

Ben holds his hands up, “I get it.”

Then Callum’s taking a big gulp of his drink, clearly appreciative and licking his lips before catching Ben’s eyes staring at him. “I needed that,” Callum laughs shyly, holds onto his glass as he looks away when Ben continues to look at him.

Ben doesn’t want him to drink any more. Wants to take the glass away from him or cause an accident where he causes it to spill over. It seems impossible, especially when Callum’s taking another sip and then another.

“What is it that ya actually do?” Callum asks, finally letting go and sitting back.

Ben flicks his attention between Callum and the pint before thinking of an answer that’ll be good enough and not warrant any further questions. “Work for the family. Well, my uncle,” Ben concludes, his mouth tasting like ash.

But Callum’s the questioning type, pushes on. “Doing what, exactly?”

Ben bites his tongue, fights the urge to snap, to tell Callum it’s not any of his business and that what is going on here isn’t some chance for them to become friends. This is the end of Callum’s life, and Ben isn’t the person he thinks he is.

Callum waits patiently, his eyes soft and searching and Ben just about holds it together. Scratches his cheek before answering, “just deal with his accounts,” Ben lies. “Brain numbing stuff.”

“Ah,” Callum nods a little, takes Ben’s answer as truth. “I’m a social worker. Pretty new to it, but it’s all I’ve wanted to do, ya know? Help people, support families that despite it all, love each other no matter what they go through.” 

Callum looks awkward for a moment; realises he’s said too much or maybe he wanted to say more and knows he shouldn’t. When Callum goes to take another drink, Ben’s kicking the table leg, making it go everywhere.

Callum looks at him questionably, “had a twitch,” Ben shrugs, “ya should go and get dried up.”

Maybe Callum would thank Ben if he knew why he did what he did, or maybe he wouldn’t. Maybe he’d be so horrified that he’d wished he’d never crossed paths with Ben. The more Ben thinks about it, the more Ben’s sure it would be the latter.

When Callum gets to his feet, everything changes. He holds onto the table for support, comes out in a sweat and then he’s coughing like something’s lodged in his throat.

Ben moves quickly to help him, supporting him as they make their way out of the bar.

“Don’t – don’t feel right,” Callum says on struggled breath.

Callum’s panicking, breathing heavy and leaning against the the wall and Ben’s not used to being this out of control. He’d have had Callum out of that bar straight after taking a drink if it were anybody else. He’d have been driving them somewhere out of town and deserted. Leaving Callum to take his last breath alone.

But Ben’s not been in control since the day he came face to face with Callum. He doesn’t want Callum to die, he doesn’t know why, and that’s what frustrates him about all of this, but he knows he can’t be the reason Callum doesn’t live anymore.

Ben phones an ambulance, travels with Callum to the hospital and stays until he knows he’s going to be ok. There’s relief, but it doesn’t take the weight off his shoulders.

This job is just not right for Ben, but he won’t admit it. He’ll lie, he’ll say he’s got blood on his hands and that Callum’s gone.

And he will be, because Ben leaves without going to see him and he doesn’t intend on seeing him ever again.

*  
It’s the height of summer, but Ben feels nothing but cold. He sits and waits. Puts on his mask when some hefty bloke he hasn’t seen before stands in the corner of the room – eyes all on him.

Ben smirks at him, eyes him up with the tip of his finger in between his teeth, and it’s so easy. Stance becomes lighter, and a hard stare turns into something full of delight and pleasure.

It makes Ben feel sick, but he needs to do stuff like this. Needs to know in situations like this he still has power, and right now he does.

The door flying open makes him flinch – power squashed with something he felt when he was just a kid. A disappointment.

He looks away from the the bloke quickly and hangs his head low. He doesn’t want to _hear_ everything he knows is coming. It’s predictable, it’s stuff he’s heard enough times.

Grant clears his throat, and Ben reluctantly looks up to face him. Grant’s never hid his emotions; his face says it all without saying a word. He brings out a file from a drawer in the table and opens it up and scatters photos of Callum over it.

Recent photos, alive and well.

“You lied to me, Ben. Ya told me you’d dealt with it,” Grant points harshly at one of the photos, “what the fuck happened?”

Ben focuses on the photo of Callum, looks like he’s in some market with the blonde girl he saw him leave work with and they’re hugging. Callum’s smiling into it, makes the lady look smaller than she already is.

“I thought I had,” Ben swallows. “He clearly survived.”

“Survived?” Grant’s voice rises, making Ben want to flip the table over and say ‘ _fuck this, I’m out. I’m done with this life.’ “_ People don’t _survive_ the kind of shit we give them.” Grant pushes the photos off the table and onto the floor, “I want the truth. Now.”

“I told you!” Now Ben’s getting angry, he deluded himself into thinking he’d never see Callum again, but he’s been hit with the sight of him.

Grant leans forward, elbows on the table, voice low. “I’m going to give you one more chance, son. We will forget about all this. I trust you; I know you won’t let me down again. Will you?”

Ben scratches the back of his head, shaking his head. “I want to know why ya want him dead.”

Grant laughs, “since when have you asked questions? Since when have you _cared_?”

“He seems like a nice guy,” Ben sits taller, “I think you’ve got it wrong about him, I think-“

“My god,” Grant closes his eyes on a sigh, one hand balling into a fist as he collides it with the palm of his other, “ya like him, don’t ya? You’ve fallen for the pretty boy with the blue eyes and now you’re thinking with what’s in your pants and not what’s up here,” Grant points to his head.

“That ain’t true,” but Grant’s words ring in his ears and they feel a little bit like the truth, they form a nest around his heart, “he’s a good guy.”

“A good guy?” Grant mimics, gets to his feet to pace the room and then he’s slapping his hands down onto the table and he’s in Ben’s face, “he helped the guy who killed my brother. _Your_ father.”

“W-what?” Ben looks up in shock.

He’d not had a relationship with his dad for the best part of his teenage years, didn’t want to sit around and watch him kill himself gradually with alcohol. Couldn’t take much more of being verbally attacked everyday, being called every name under the sun, and being told that he was unlovable – that no son of Phil’s would be ‘filth.’

But the news that he’d died – been killed, had broken him. Despite everything, Ben had loved him through it all, just wasn’t lucky enough to get that love back.

“That’s right. Perfect Callum Highway ain’t so fucking perfect, Ben.” Grant turns Ben’s head until they’re looking at each other, “are you in, or do I need to get someone else to do your work?”

Ben shakes his head, his hands tight around the arms of his chair. “I’ll do it,” Ben breathes, his heart beating fast in his chest.

Grant smiles down at him, proud.

*  
Ben goes to where Callum lives on Grant’s instructions.

Albert Square has everything you’d need, and Ben makes a stop at the fish and chip shop, sitting on a near bench.

He tries to act casual, but it’s only been a matter of days since Grant told him about why they were after Callum, and it’s still a hard pill to swallow. The information sits heavy on his heart.

He doesn’t know what he’s going to do when he finally sees Callum. He thinks about questioning him first, seeing if it’s actually true. Then he thinks about just killing him as brutally as his father was.

He’s swore not to let the only bit of his family down again, he’s always been loyal. Family has always been everything – despite how broken it is.

But Callum. _Callum_ has somehow found a space inside of Ben’s mind and it’s a nice space, however much confusion it’s causing.

Then he sees him, comes out of nowhere and he’s smiling along at something some guy is saying to him as they walk through the market.

“Mick, thanks for everything,” Ben catches some of what Callum’s saying, then they’re shaking hands, Mick’s eyes brimming with tears and Callum just raises his eyebrows up at him, in a _don’t you dare start crying_ look.

“I’m the one who should be thanking you,” Mick cups Callum’s neck, “you’ve been a diamond.”

Callum blushes, before pushing Mick away a little and Mick’s promising Callum drinks on the house all night, Ben figures he must be the owner of the pub he can just about see on the corner of the square.

He wouldn’t mind a drink or two himself right now, a burning feeling building up inside of him, one that makes him want to disappear.

And when Callum spots him, he too looks like he wants Ben to disappear. A line of confusion across his forehead and then he looks reflective and as if he’s debating with himself what to do next.

Ben puts a chip into his mouth, and then another and then throws one up into the air to catch it in his mouth and _that’s_ what gets Callum moving.

“What ya doing here?” Callum huffs, close to knocking the chips out of Ben’s hands because _who_ does he think he is?

Who hits on someone and then leaves them in a hospital without even checking to see if they’ll make it out alive?

“I live here now,” Ben explains as though it’s obvious.

So the plan was to move slowly this time, Grant had allowed that. To get Callum into the palm of Ben’s hands, and then he’d end it all. Nobody would suspect a thing if Ben became Callum’s new friend, would they?

Grant had looked for properties on the square and found a flat for let; it almost felt too easy.

“Moved into 3A, cute little flat,” but Callum looks angry, his blue eyes not as soft as Ben remembered.

“Did ya spike my drink?” Callum asks, done with the pleasantries. “They found cyanide in my system. They told me I was lucky to still be alive.”

Ben’s face falls a little, his jaw clicking because he knows he’s lucky, he knows if he let Callum drink anymore than he did he wouldn’t be standing here now, and Callum looks so _hurt_. The thought that Ben – anyone, would do that to him clearly hurts.

Ben shakes his head, wipes his sweaty palm along his trousers. “I’m sorry I didn’t stick around, alright? I got scared, I didn’t know what was happening. One minute you were fine… the next you were being rushed to hospital,” Ben swallows, “I asked a few nurses if you were stable before I left. I didn’t leave without knowing ya were gonna be ok.”

That bits the truth, but the lie is all he can think about. The words seem to settle Callum, then he looks apologetic that he could even ask Ben such a question. “I’m sorry, I just-“

“I don’t blame ya for asking me, Callum. But I wouldn’t risk doing anything that would stop me from seeing those eyes again,” Ben whispers with a smirk, making Callum laugh easily.

“Ya gonna share your chips with me, or what?” Callum nods down to them, probably now cold. “I’m starving.”

It’s Ben’s turn to laugh now, moving over so Callum can sit down next to him. Ben ignores the warmth in his belly, ignores Callum’s smile, ignores the fact they eat chips with their fingers like they were made for such simplicity’s in life as this.

Instead pays attention to the voice inside his head, the one that reminds him of _‘he helped the guy who killed my brother._ _Your father._ ’

*  
 _G: How’s things going with Highway?_

_B: It’s only been a few days…_

_G: Just don’t forget what you’re there for._

Ben grips his phone in his hand, the temptation to break it almost too much. Then he’s dropping it to the table, Callum walking over with a coffee for him and a takeaway hot chocolate for himself.

“I finish work at four, I can help ya with the flat after if you wanted?”

Ben should be saying no. How close is too close? He can’t stop himself, “yeah, alright. Thanks.”

Callum’s grin is blinding, the beauty of it makes Ben angry. Angry at Callum, angry at Grant, angry at himself for being so up and down about his feelings.

Callum doesn’t seem to notice the shift in energy, or the way Ben can’t look at him anymore. He gets to his feet and tells Ben he’ll see him later.

Ben can’t find it in him to say anything back, just smiles tightly in Callum’s direction without actually looking at him, his eyes focusing on the drinks menu behind his head and everything goes blurry once Callum’s left.

Ben runs a hand over his face and then at his neck, sudden tension there that flares quickly.

He stares blankly down at his coffee until it’s stone cold and the woman behind the counter is suddenly approaching him and asking if everything’s ok. Ben just blinks his way out of his trance and pushes past her and other customers.

He spends some time in The Vic, talks to Mick and his wife Linda until they’re falling into conversation about Callum like there’s no escape from him.

“He’s a good boy,” Mick says fondly, “helped me and my L through our hardest times.”

“Yeah,” Ben scratches his cheek, but tries to smile. “He’s helping me with my flat tonight.”

Mick just nods, tapping Linda’s cheek as she passes to serve someone. “Course he is, that’s Callum all over. Out to help anybody.”

Ben finishes his pint wishing he’d never stepped foot into the place.

It’s a little after 5 o’clock when Callum turns up and Ben’s mood hasn’t much lifted since leaving The Vic, but Callum makes his way in with a friendly smile and Ben tries his hardest not to break – to risk everything this is for because he’s letting his stupid heart and what other people tell him take over everything else. Take over the facts he knows.

“I thought these might go down well,” Callum says, taking out beers from a bag. Then he’s looking at Ben, a little worried. “Or maybe not,” he looks at Ben closely. “Is everything alright?”

Ben sighs, eyes closing, and he grabs for a beer and pretty much _slams_ the cupboard door shut after getting out the bottle opener and opening two bottles. “Do ya ever have a day off?”

Callum frowns, “what do you mean?”

“You- you’re always _so_ nice.”

“There’s nothing wrong with being nice,” Callum defends himself. “Ya should probably try it sometime.”

Callum begins to walk away, and Ben reacts quickly to stop him. “Wait – wait, I’m sorry.” Ben’s hand gets a hold of Callum’s arm until they’re facing each other again. “I didn’t mean that,” Ben can feel his grip tightening and when Callum looks down at his hand, he lets go. “I’m just a bit stressed, ya know? Trying to get the flat sorted.”

Callum nods a little, but his face is tense, his mouth in a straight line. “I might be nice, but it don’t give ya the right to talk to me like shit, alright?”

Now is the wrong time to let Callum’s words bother him the way they do, but Ben welcomes the spread of heat across his neck and down his spine. Ben thinks he’d like to see more of that side of Callum.

_Maybe that’s what got him through helping some guy with his fathers’ death._

And all thoughts that made Ben’s body hot, turn him cold.

Ben moves away, nods in agreement with Callum and finishes off his drink before opening another. “Thought we could make a start on my bedroom.”

It’s gone midnight once they finish up, Callum adamant he was staying until they’d painted the walls and put up wardrobes.

Callum’s got paint over his nose and cheeks, Ben’s doing his best not to smile up at him, but it’s no good. Callum licks his lips, groans, “got paint on ma face, haven’t I?”

“Maybe just a little bit,” Ben smirks, making Callum go and have a look in the bathroom mirror

“‘Just a little bit’? Ben, it’s practically covering all my face!”

Ben comes to stand at the doorway, “it’ll come off, don’t worry.”

Callum turns, pointing, “how come you’ve got away without a single bit on you?”

Ben just lifts his chin up playfully, “maybe cause I’ve got steady hands.”

“Or maybe,” Callum walks closer, “it’s cause ya didn’t do anything and just watched me!”

A laugh fills the space between them, and for a second, Ben enjoys how _real_ and _genuine_ his laughter is.

“I’d best be off,” Callum sighs on the end of his laugh, “need to have a shower and I’ve got work in the morning.”

“Ya can just crash here for the night,” Ben thinks aloud. “It’s the least I can offer, ya know? Seeing as I let ya do all the work.”

“Oh, so you’re admitting it now?” Callum shakes his head, a smile growing as he lowers his head. “Ya don’t have to do that.”

“I want to,” Ben looks away, if he doesn’t look at Callum it doesn’t mean anything, it doesn’t cut away at him as quickly until he’s nothing. “I’ll get ya some spare clothes and a towel.”

“Thanks,” Callum says. A word spoken so softly it makes Ben wish things were just how they had been for the past few minutes.

Ben lays down on the sofa whilst Callum showers and when he hears the water stop, he closes his eyes and pretends to be asleep when he hears Callum head out of the bathroom and into the spare room that they’d agreed they’d decorate at the weekend.

Ben lays awake all night to the sound of Callum’s snores coming gently from the room next door.

Things are more complicated than Ben could ever have imagined.

*  
“I don’t trust him,” Lola says, arms folded across her chest. “I still think he put something in your drink.”

Callum sighs, putting a sachet of sugar into his hot chocolate because it’s not sweet enough. “I asked him, he said he didn’t.”

Lola rolls her eyes at her best friend, “you’re too trustworthy, Callum! Of course he’s going to say no.”

“Ya don’t even know him,” Callum feels a sudden need to defend Ben, his shoulders tense. “Ya don’t know the first thing about him.”

Lola’s eyes harden, before shaking her head. “Alright. Fine. I ain’t arguing with ya over a bloke.”

“I ain’t either,” Callum agrees, rubbing a hand over his face and then leaning over the table to take Lola’s hand into his. “It’s just- I feel _good_ when we are together. He makes me forget about everything else.”

Lola smiles softly, “I want to meet him, then I’ll decide if he’s good enough for ya.”

Callum just smiles back, hides the worry of thinking he’s making what him and Ben are into something that they aren’t by pulling Lola into a hug and hiding his face.

Ben brings something into Callum’s life that he didn’t know he needed. He makes everything that he’s been through to get to where he is now seem worth it, because somehow it’s brought Ben into his life at a lightening speed and he’s just _settled_ so easily like it was meant to be.

Callum’s _definitely_ making his relationship with Ben into something bigger than it is. He holds Lola tighter.

*  
 _He puts up a fight, landing a punch to Ben’s nose. Ben crowds over his limp frame, pulling him up close to his ear so he can listen to him take his last breath._

_Ben grins, shivering at the power it gives him and it makes him remember why he does what he does. He lives for the feeling of seeing lowest of the low scum come to the end of their lives in pain and all alone with nobody there to help._

_He drops the heavy body into the field of grass and sits in his car until sun rises._

_Job done._

_*  
_ The birds chirp up in the trees, it’s just turned 7am and Ben’s arriving back in the square. He locks his car, tries to get into his flat quickly.

“You’re up early,” Ben stills as Callum comes closer.

“So are you,” Ben huffs, his back still to Callum, his nostrils flaring as his body deflates and the earlier gratification he had turns to dread.

“Just on my morning run,” Callum says breathlessly, but it’s clear he’s smiling. “I got the paint off my face, by the way. Thanks for asking.”

Ben bites his tongue, decides now is a better time than ever to turn around. “Yeah? That’s good.”

Callum’s face drops, his mouth hanging open as he sees the blood on Ben’s face. “Ben, what happened?”

“Nothing,” Ben heads up the stairs to his flat.

“Stop lying to me, Ben,” Callum’s close behind him, pulling at Ben’s leather jacket. “I know something’s-“

“Ya know nothing!” Ben shouts enough to have Callum taking a step down. “Ya know nothing,” Ben repeats in a whisper, “so back off.”

Ben’s heart falters at the sight of Callum’s eyes filling with tears. “It seems you’ve got some stuff going on so just give me a ring when ya stop pushing people away, alright?”

Callum turns away and doesn’t stop when Ben shouts his name.

*  
Ben knows he’s being watched, eyes burn into his back and he’s just walked into the pub. He orders a shot of whiskey and tries to concentrate on anything other than the burning in his neck.

Then he’s feels someone tap his back – or should he say, _dig_ their nails into him. He turns to see Callum’s friend, the blonde one with a death stare.

“Can I help ya, Goldilocks?” Ben smirks, before putting money down onto the bar and taking his shot.

“God, what _does_ he see in ya?” She eyes him up like he’s nothing but dirt on the bottom of her trainer, “stay away from Callum.”

“Ah, Callum,” Ben sighs, “he sent ya over here? Or are you his Rottweiler?”

Ben sees her jaw clenching and unclench, wouldn’t be surprised if one of her fists connected with his face.

“Lola, what ya doing?” Callum’s back from the toilets, eyes flickering.

“Sorting _this_ out,” Lola eyes Ben up again.

Callum closes his eyes in frustration, “there’s nothing to sort out, alright?”

“I ain’t having him upsetting ya!”

“He hasn’t,” Callum swallows. “He ain’t important, let’s just go.”

 _He ain’t important._ The words sting.

“I saw ya both this morning,” Lola says, eyes not leaving Ben. “It looked… intense,” then she looks at Callum. “I put 2 and 2 together and figured out who he was.”

“The big, bad wolf,” Ben barks a laugh. “Yeah, that’s me.” He can’t help but catch Callum’s eye as he pushes his way through them both and out the pub.

This time, it’s Ben who doesn’t stop when Callum calls his name.

*  
Ben sits in his flat, in darkness, closes his eyes to the melody playing quietly around him.

He’s felt rejection before, but nothing felt worse than hearing Callum say he wasn’t important.

Ben doesn’t have time to dwell, his doorbell ringing persistently and he knows this could go one of two ways.

It could be Lola, here to finish off all the stuff she couldn’t in front of Callum, and probably give him a slap for his trouble.

Or it could be Callum, wanting nothing more to do with Ben.

It shouldn’t bother Ben; they haven’t even put a label on the kind of relationship they have. Are they friends? Are they-

No. They’re none of those things because Ben isn’t here for that. He isn’t here for _this._ He fights the thoughts in his head, the doorbell still ringing.

He lets them in without even looking, his back to the door and he doesn’t know who he’d rather be in his home right now.

“What was all that about?” It’s Callum, and Ben’s head drops low. “What’s going on with ya, Ben?”

Ben laughs, loud to Callum’s ears. “Ya wouldn’t want to know,” Ben turns around. “Ya wouldn’t be standing here if you knew.”

Callum stands tall, “try me.” He takes his coat off and walks over until he’s sitting on the edge of Ben’s sofa, “I can handle it.”

Ben rolls his eyes, tries to keep eye contact. “Ya wouldn’t, not this.” And then, “we don’t even know each other, Callum. I don’t know what ya think this is, but-“

“I care about ya,” Callum shakes his head and shrugs, “I thought that was obvious.”

“You don’t know me!” Ben snaps, his voice raised so high it hurts his throat, but Callum doesn’t flinch.

“I think you’re scared. Scared of letting me in, but I think I’m already in here,” Callum taps the side of his head, “I just don’t understand why that scares ya so much.”

Ben looks up, “I don’t do scared,” Ben breathes. “I ain’t the person ya think I am, Callum.”

“I want us to be mates,” Callum ignores Ben, “I see good in you.”

Ben sits himself on the kitchen counter, arms across his chest. “I didn’t know you were working?”

“What?” Callum frowns.

“ _You_. I didn’t ask ya to be my social worker, Callum.”

It’s said so coldly, and Ben can see Callum’s biting his tongue. Instead he shakes his head, a sad smile on his face. “What have I done for you to be like this with me?”

_You’ve been involved with my fathers’ murder. You’ve made me betray my family._

_You’ve made me see good in a shattered world again.  
_ _You’ve made me question everything I do. What I am.  
_ _You’ve confused me.  
_ _You’ve made me happy._

“It’s just the way I am. It ain’t personal,” Ben looks away. “This ain’t going anywhere, so you can go now.”

Callum’s eyes don’t falter, and Ben doesn’t deserve how soft his voice is when he speaks again. “I ain’t perfect, Ben. I haven’t had the perfect life and I’ve made mistakes and done stuff that I ain’t proud of-“

“Like what?” Ben asks, wonders if Callum will offer some truth without Ben having to ask for it.

But Callum looks away, his tongue wetting his lips. “It’s stuff I’d rather not talk about.”

Ben scoffs, “but you expect me to talk to you? To expose all my dirty laundry.”

“No,” Callum gets up, “not everything ya do in your life is my business, I was just trying to prove I ain’t an angel no matter what people tell ya and that I _can_ handle it,” Callum breathes deeply, “I just want to be there for you.”

Ben’s sick of talking, of trying to work everything out. He just wants to _take_ and _have_ Callum without having intruding thoughts telling him it’s wrong.

Callum’s hand suddenly reaches up to turn Ben’s head, his eyes on his nose. “Does it hurt?”

Ben smiles lightly, Callum’s fingers delicate. “The other guy was worse off,” Ben replies, a burning ball flaring in his gut at the images flashing in his mind of this morning.

“Modest as always,” Callum smiles, dropping his arm back to his side. “Want me to make ya something to eat?”

Ben jumps down to his feet, making the distance between them smaller and shakes his head. “I’m sorry,” Ben tells him, and he’s not sure for what. It feels like he’s saying it for both of them.

“It don’t matter,” Callum sighs, a tired smile across his lips that Ben dreams about.

“Come here,” Ben says softly, his head tilted up to watch Callum’s every movement.

Ben’s breath catches in his throat when Callum does just that, not even a question of _why_.

It’s a moment of Ben allowing himself to have this, of looking into Callum’s eyes and searching his soul and somehow falling deeper than he thought possible.

It’s a moment of two bodies coming together, Ben’s hands balled up at the front of Callum’s shirt, and Callum’s hands cupping Ben’s face.

Ben closes his eyes away from everything that isn’t Callum, them, now, this moment.

Ben moans into Callum’s mouth when Callum backs them up against the wall and presses their bodies together. Callum’s tongue warm against his, both of them not daring to part even to catch their breaths.

Callum guides them into Ben’s bedroom easily and switches on the light. Ben allows Callum a second to catch his breath as he breaks away to kiss along his jaw and kiss his neck, his teeth deep into the flesh like a starved animal – Callum’s moans vibrating against Ben’s lips and teeth.

“I did-didn’t think ya saw me like this,” Callum groans, hand firmly in Ben’s hair.

_I shouldn’t._

“Now that’s a lie,” Ben holds Callum in place as he looks up at him. “I’ve wanted you since I first saw ya,” and Ben shouldn’t be saying any of this, but it feels good to say it and it feels even better seeing the grin on Callum’s face, his face blushed and eyes full with desire.

“Yeah,” Callum simply says, as if in agreement before leaning close to take Ben’s lips in between his own.

Ben’s used to one night stands, knows he’s got what he wants, that he’s scratched the itch and he moves on to the next chase easily.

Being with Callum feels different. It feels like something he’d want forever.

*  
When Ben wakes to soft lips on the nape of his neck, he thinks he’s still sleeping.

Then he feels those lips curve into a smile when Ben leans into the touch.

“Morning,” Callum says against his neck.

“Ya stayed then,” Ben replies, smiling into his pillow to try and hide it, until he can’t and Callum’s leaning over him to wrap an arm around his waist.

“I hope that’s alright?” Callum bites his lip, “I didn’t want to leave in case that would have made it look like last night was a mistake when it wasn’t. Unless you-“

“No mistake,” Ben shakes his head, coming round to the morning and Callum’s weight on him. “If anything, I’d like a repeat. Right now.”

Callum laughs, “I ain’t that easy.”

Ben raises his eyebrows, try’s not to acknowledge himself stroking up and down Callum’s arm like this is a _thing_ , like this isn’t their first time.

“But ya woke me up, so ya owe me,” Ben leans his chin up and Callum moves forward to kiss him, a smile on his lips throughout.

Ben hangs on to this, Callum kissing him, Callum’s body on him, Callum’s hand strong around him until he can’t take no more and there’s stars behind his eyes and a tremble in his body.

*  
Ben knew it wouldn’t last, that it wasn’t possible. He couldn’t live in a bubble with Callum, there wasn’t a way to forget everything else – forget how and why they got to this point in the first place.

Ben is a killer. He _was_ going to kill Callum.

Grant tells him as such as he stands in his flat, pinching the bridge of his nose. “My patience is wearing thin, Ben. What’s going on?”

“Nothing,” Ben struggles to say. “I don’t know what ya were expecting-“

“For Callum to be dead by now,” Grant grunts, his eyes dark with hate. “ _You_ are in too deep, aren’t ya?”

Ben’s eyes flicker, and he doesn’t mean to stay silent, but it seems to give Grant the answers that he needs. “ _Jesus,_ you are.”

Grant shakes his head, getting his phone out of his back pocket before he starts dialling a number. “What are you doing?”

“Sorting this out once and for all,” Grant presses his phone to his ear, eyes cold on Ben. “I’ll deal with you later.”

Ben watches Grant leave- getting into the back of a Land Rover before it speeds off.

Ben’s thought process is all consumed with Callum and keeping him away from danger – the irony of it doesn’t pass Ben without a niggling thought.

Callum’s always been in danger.

Ben phones Callum, breathes a sigh of relief when Callum answers and he’s telling him he’ll cook them food- asks if Ben wants anything in particular- _just you_ , Ben replies, smiling when Callum laughs down the phone.

His whole body tenses with realisation – he can’t keep doing this.

“Just get here as soon as ya can,” Ben says, and if Callum notices the tension in Ben’s voice, he doesn’t say anything about it.

Callum’s here, he’s here and he’s all smiles and wind-swept hair. “Chicken pasta,” he raises the bag with contents in it. “Beers too, obviously.”

Ben just stands there, his hands clamped together. The gun sits on the dining table – he’d brought it out earlier, had a whole conversation in his head, but as time goes on, Ben knows it’s not going to go any other way than south.

It’s going to ruin what they have. It’s going to ruin Callum and take him away from him, it makes him sweat and breathe heavily.

When Ben doesn’t say anything, Callum’s eyes land on the gun. His mouth gapes open and then closes before he’s shaking his head. “What’s that doing here? _Why_ do ya have a gun?”

So many questions and Ben knows all his answers are going to be weak. “Just sit down, will ya?”

“I’m fine standing,” Callum replies, voice cold, hand holding on tight to the counter.

It’s silent for so long, Callum’s eyes going back and forth between Ben and the gun. “I’m waiting, Ben.”

“I don’t know where to begin,” Ben admits.

“The start would be a good thing,” Callum huffs, rubbing a hand over his face as if wishing the last five minutes away.

If Callum isn’t going to sit down, Ben needs to – his legs can’t hold him up much longer. He rubs his fingers over his lips, pinching his bottom one in between his fingers before sucking in a breath and speaking to the floor. “I’m an assassin,” Ben swallows thickly. “I- I’m a killer.”

Ben doesn’t see Callum move, but he dares to glance up when he sees Callum’s legs and he’s dropping to the chair in front of him. He looks pale, his usually rose cheeks have lost all colour and he looks at Ben like he doesn’t know him.

And Ben guesses he doesn’t, not really, and that’s why they’re sitting here now, having to have this – this thing where Ben opens his chest and shows Callum his heart.

“You said – you _lied_ to me? What about the family business? How?” Callum’s full of jumbled questions, constant shake to his head, hands rubbing along his thighs to calm himself. “I don’t understand.”

Ben sighs, “your brother killed my father,” Ben finally looks up. “He killed my father and _you_ helped him.”

Somehow it feels like the blames being pushed onto Callum’s shoulders and it’s unfair, but Ben doesn’t know how he’ll explain the part where he was sent to kill Callum if he doesn’t do it like this.

Callum’s eyes widen, “I didn’t. I – I didn’t know what he’d done alright? He asked me to drive him somewhere and I did and before I knew it… he was pulling out a body from the boot of the car and I didn’t know what to do, or what was happening. I mean it Ben, I didn’t know.”

“You must have been, what? Eighteen at the time?” Ben looks at him, “that’s the first time I held a gun to a man’s head.”

Callum bites the inside of his cheek, nods a little. “I told the police the truth, alright? He was – _is_ my brother, but I wasn’t going down for him. I don’t have it in me, Ben. Ya know me-“

“I tried to kill you,” Ben mumbles behind his fingers.

Breath is knocked from Callum’s lungs, his face falling instantly. His arms hug across his belly and he’s glad Ben’s not looking at him right now because he’s not sure he’d like what he’d see.

The silence is too much, Ben looking over when nothing comes from Callum. He’s crying, single tears escape his eyes and Ben’s urges make him want to reach other and touch, but that wouldn’t be right – Ben wouldn’t deserve to have that.

“When?” Callum suddenly speaks, sounding crushed.

“They day we met,” Ben swallows. “I had it all planned and then I walked past you and I couldn’t do it, then I dropped my wallet and ya spoke to me. Made it even harder for me-“

“Oh, I am sorry. It must have been _so_ hard for you.”

Callum’s tone is like nothing Ben’s heard before and he didn’t expect it to come from the beautiful, blue eyed man in front of him.

Then Ben can see the clocks turning in Callum’s mind – knows he’s thinking everything over. He starts to shake his head, wipes roughly at his cheeks. “You did put something in my drink, didn’t you? You tried to… again didn’t ya?”

Ben just nods his head. “I didn’t mean-“

“I ain’t interested,” Callum licks his lips. “I ain’t interested in anything you’ve got to say. It’s all lies.”

“It _not._ Not with you, it’s not.” Ben wants to lean over and touch so much, wipe the tears away. “I tried again because I’ve never cared about killing anyone before, it comes easy to me, alright? But you – you were – _are_ so different, Callum.” Ben rubs the back of his neck as he says, “you got inside my heart and head without even trying.”

Callum looks at Ben closely, knows he should be running a mile right now without ever turning back, but he can’t. He can’t because for a man so adept at killing, Ben’s eyes are remarkably soft, and Callum can’t ignore the past few weeks.

The late night talks in bed, holding each other, cooking for each other, Ben listening to Callum’s day’s at work, Ben running him bubble baths, the massages and so much more. All of that was real. All of that was Ben.

“Why’d you do it? Any of it?”

Ben shrugs weakly. “Eventually ya become numb to the killing. Then you become numb to everything else.” Time stays silent for a while before Ben speaks again. “I saw you and I knew you weren’t this bad person I was made to believe. I just _knew_. You’re good Callum, all good and I didn’t know what to do, alright?” He risks to move closer, moving the firearm away to sit on the edge of the table, “please say something.”

“I need some time. It’s a lot to take in,” Callum pushes himself up then – up and away from Ben and Ben feels it run cold down his back.

“Yeah, sure. We –“

“I don’t think there’s a ‘we’, Ben.” Callum shakes his head, “you were sent to _kill_ me, and you tried to… you almost did! And then you lied about it to my face. You think I deserve that?”

Ben’s shaking his head quickly, stepping closer. “No! Callum – Callum you’ve changed everything. I tried not to fall for you, but I did, and I don’t regret that because you made – _make_ me happy and all I see is good when I’m with ya. Your life is full of warmth and light and I want to be in that.”

Callum feels that pull towards Ben- he lets it happen just to cup Ben’s face. “I can’t do it, alright? Ya can’t expect everything to be the same because it ain’t. You’ve ruined everything, Ben.”

Callum moves away, grabs his stuff to leave and prays he has it in him not to turn back.

“Please can ya just do one more thing for me?” Ben’s asking, it sounds like a sob and Callum waits, but doesn’t turn back. “I need ya to stay safe. I need ya to lay low for a bit, alright?”

“Why?”

Ben swallows, “ya don’t need to know. I’ll sort it, alright?”

Callum doesn’t have it in him to argue back or ask why he should trust Ben- he just nods before opening the door.

Once he’s outside, he gives way and drops to the stairs and lets himself cry properly. He hopes Ben can’t hear him.

*

“I want out of all this,” Ben tells Grant. “Ya have to leave Callum alone, too. He ain’t done anything wrong.”

Grant all but sneers, pouring himself a shot of whiskey before taking it back in one. “Ya don’t get to just walk _out_ and you definitely don’t get to tell me what to do.”

“I’m _finally_ happy. I mean, proper happiness that I didn’t think was possible, but it is because of Callum. I don’t deserve him, I never will, but I need ya to do this for me. I swear – ya can’t hurt him.”

Grant stares at him like he wants to laugh at him, at how pathetic he sounds right now. “Family means everything, Ben. Us Mitchell’s stick together no matter what-“

“Fuck off,” Ben hisses. “You are all hypocrites. You only care about yourself. So did dad-“

“Watch that mouth,” Grant points. “You ain’t going around this the right way if you want to keep lover boy safe.”

Ben stops and thinks, hangs his head low and takes a deep breath before apologising without meaning it, but Grant accepts it with a nod.

“If you choose him ya walking away from this, from the family. You understand that, don’t ya?”

Ben nods, doesn’t feel any real loss because he knows he only did what he did to feel _part_ of the family in the first place. They never saw him as one of them, he had to fight his way through to be seen and heard.

He doesn’t want that now. He knows what he wants, and it doesn’t involve him crying out for attention by doing dangerous things just for a small pat on the back until he’s used again.

“You know where the door is,” Grant visibly sighs as if he has any right to be hurt right now.

“And Callum?”

Grant looks up at him and must see something in Ben’s eyes. Realises he was Ben’s age once and felt love like that too. The kind that you’d risk everything and anything for just to be with that person. For Grant, it didn’t work out, left him where he was today with nobody but the men who work for him. He’s nodding and turning away, Ben would never believe it, but Grant _gets_ it, but he will never forgive or forget. “You have my word that no harm will come to Callum.”

Ben doesn’t thank him for it or even say goodbye. He only has one thing on his mind.

He needs to see Callum.

*  
Ben sends message after message and gets nothing back. His calls go unanswered, he shouldn’t be surprised.

He tries Callum’s flat and he’s met with the same outcome – nothing.

His last and final hope lands him in The Vic and he knows he’s not one to have luck on his side, but he feels it when he spots Callum.

Ben turns the corner to make his way over and only then is it he sees Lola sat with him. Ben’s presence alone makes them stop talking- to look up and Lola’s face turns into one of anger whilst Callum’s falls, _why?_

“Get out. He don’t wanna see you,” Lola says harshly.

“Callum can’t speak for himself, can he?” Ben’s eyes stay on Lola, too scared to face the possibility that maybe she’s right.

She scoffs, “come to try and off him again, have ya?” So Callum’s told her everything then, Ben shouldn’t feel so hurt at the fact. “You’re lucky I ain’t called the police.”

“Why haven’t ya then?”

_Because Callum doesn’t want that._

When Lola doesn’t answer he decides she’s had enough of his attention and he turns towards Callum, his eyes instantly softening. “I just need two minutes.”

“I said-“

“Alright,” Callum interrupts, downing the rest of his pint and wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. He squeezes Lola’s hand, whispers and promises her that _it’s fine_ , but she looks like she wants to hold him back, tell him to think about this.

He just smiles at her, “just get me another drink in, yeah? I won’t be long.”

Ben tries not to think about how final it sounds. Like Callum has already made his mind up and it doesn’t matter what Ben has to say, Callum’s mind can’t be changed, he’s only giving Ben this time, because even now, he’s too good to say no.

“Park?” Ben asks, hands filling the pockets of his jacket.

Callum nods a little before leading the way without a word. The park’s empty, with just the sound of cars and night activity from the square to fill the silence.

“Thanks for-“

“What do ya want, Ben?”

_You. Just you. I don’t need anything else._

“I- I chose you. I _choose_ you. I want what we had back,” it’s not what Ben had in mind to say, but it’s true.

“Am I supposed to be flattered?” Callum licks his lips, “you tried to kill me.” He looks around them. “You _kill_ people for a job Ben, do you realise how crazy that is?”

Ben stumbles a little. Thinks back to only a few weeks back he watched the life drain out of another mans eyes. “Those lot deserved it,” Ben swallows, thinks back to their files and the stuff they did. “They were bad people who-“

“How are you any better than any of them?” Callum nips the skin on his lip.

Ben’s nostrils flare, “cause I ain’t evil, Callum. I ain’t, I’m not a total monster. I am capable of feelings.” He takes a seat on a bench, “I ain’t perfect and I know I don’t even deserve your time, but I can’t walk away now. I – I _feel_ when I’m with you and I haven’t felt anything in so long, Callum.”

Words have never been a thing for Ben, especially when it comes to expressing himself. Looking up at Callum it feels easy though.

He’d speak a thousand words if it meant something, if it meant Callum would be his again.

“Did ya kill anyone when we – when we ya know?”

Ben doesn’t have to do anything, the look on his face tells Callum everything and he drops down onto the bench himself. His body shudders whilst taking deep breaths.

“I’m sorry,” Ben whispers. “It’s over now, all of it. I turned my back on it all. For you.”

“You’re a nightmare,” Callum says down at his feet.

“Yeah,” Ben agrees, “but I’m your nightmare.” Callum blinks up at him, “I mean, if ya’ll still have me.”

Somewhere along the followed silence Ben’s hand finds its way to Callum’s thigh and Callum doesn’t move it away. He stares at Ben’s hands, thinks about the bad things they’re capable of and then Ben’s hand rubs softly up and down and Callum’s taken to all the times Ben’s hands have done _good_.

It fills him with calmness.

“What do ya say?” Ben asks, a hopeful but small smile on his lips. “We take it slow. How about I take ya for a drink? We start again.”

Callum’s thoughtful, turns to face Ben. “Depends if I’ll need to buy a bulletproof vest, or not.”

Ben’s eyes widen, “no, what no-“

“I’m just joking,” Callum laughs.

Ben laughs with him until Callum’s fingers cover Ben’s and he’s holding his hand. “I ain’t promising anything,” Callum swallows, “but I’ll text ya, yeah? And we’ll go from there.”

“I can live with that,” Ben grins, watching as Callum gets up and walks away slowly. Ben thought it was impossible, but Callum surprises him by turning around and blinking a wink at him that makes Ben’s heart scream _I love you._


End file.
